Lyude Goes To WalMart
by Becky C
Summary: Tired of eating Magnus food, Lyude goes to WalMart in the Celestial Alps, only to get more than he bargained for...that's right, Malpercio has bought it over and Folon works at the checkout.
1. Mind Your Table Manners

Disclaimer: I don't own Baten Kaitos, or Wal-Mart.

AN: Contains spoilers, randomness, and strange items of food.

I came up with this idea when I was playing Baten Kaitos one day, and pondered what it must be like to eat Avocadoes and Pickled Eggplants together while beating up Malpercio. The answer would definitely be _unpleasant_, and I somehow knew that Lyude would be the first to complain…

Note that Lyude and Gibari are kinda OOC. But who cares about Lyude, anyway? **He doesn't deserve to be loved.**

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Being:

An Exciting and Intrepid Adventure

Starring That Most Handsome and Daring 

Sort-Of Heroic and Noble 

LYUDE,

Presented Most Wonderfully By the Notorious 

Becky Creighton,

This Is The Epic Tale Of How:

**Lyude Went To Wal-Mart**

**And Didn't Come Back**

Chapter 1: Mind Your Table Manners

It was roughly 7 a.m in the morning, and Lyude was looking forlornly at his breakfast which consisted of Green Tea and Salted Sweetfish, whatever the heck that was. All he knew was that he had used a Magnus which healed 970 HP (he wasn't entirely sure what HP was either – isn't that out of a video game or something?) and it had come up with this.

Sometimes Magnus cards pissed the hell out of Lyude. I mean, nice enough carrying stuff around in cards, but the problem was food. Milk would turn to cheese in a matter of days, meat would go rotten after a couple of battles and even be used as an offensive weapon, and bamboo shoots would become pointy sticks and even _those_ would somehow end up as fishing rods. All very well if you're vegetarian or _not _on an epic quest to stop an evil god, but as Lyude _is _on aforementioned quest _and_ lactose intolerant, this was just more than he could bear.

He stared glumly outside the window of his room in Queen Corellia's castle, and suddenly the prospect of jumping out of it was looking very attractive.

And then, just to brighten up his day, as soon as he captured the Magna Essence of a basket of strawberries that was lying on his table, it turned into Rotten Fruit.

"Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" he yelled in frustration, promptly hurling the card onto the floor and jumping on it in much the same way a five-year old would do on a bouncy-castle.

He brandished his Imperial bazooka-trumpet thingy and whipped out his deck of Magnus, shouted, "RHAPSODY!" pointed his gun at the card and shut his eyes tightly.

There was a terribly nasty clicking sound.

There was a terribly nasty explosion.

There was a terribly nasty aroma of burnt wood…

When Lyude opened his eyes again, he had blown up 500,000GP worth of Anuenue furniture, and all that was left of his bedroom was a large smoking crater with a perfectly intact card of Rotten Fruit in the centre of it, glinting mischievously in the Komo Mai sun at him.

"Geldoblame's underpants!" he swore, "I want food, dammit!" Lyude then realised that part of his long crimson hair had been singed off, on the whole making him look like a large lump of charcoal wearing gold trousers. "And I want shampoo as well!" he added.

There was a noisy clatter of rapid footsteps, and Lyude's friend Kalas opened the door, who was not only surprised to find the ex-Imperial ambassador for Diadem crouching in a crater and scowling at a card, but at the fact that there _was _no door.

"Lyude, what the hell?" he asked irritably.

"I want food, dammit!" Lyude repeated. "Shampoo, now!"

"You have food, you moron! Jeez!"

"You mean you're content with having to eat Cheese Fondue and…and…and _Salted Sweetfish _immediately after one another in the middle of an intense battle?"

"Well, um…" Kalas mumbled

"See?!?"

Lyude grabbed the charred remains of a chandelier and repeatedly whacked himself over the head with it, blubbing like a rejected X-Factor candidate.

For a split, guilty second Kalas was tempted to leave him there to club himself to death, but then thought better of it. After all, he needed Lyude's help in fighting the war against Malpercio.

But he and the others had also unanimously agreed that when all of this had blown over, they would abandon Lyude on Wazn.

Seriously, think of the economic advantage of doing so. For example, by now the guy had already gone through five boxes of Kleenex. If they got rid of him, there would be less whining, less unhelpful comments and an abundance of handkerchiefs for all.

Just then, Mizuti, Xelha, Gibari and Savyna walked in, all garbed in baffled facial expressions, except for Mizuti, who, uh, doesn't really have any facial expressions.

"Lyude, what was that?" Savyna demanded.

"Yeah. We were just havin' brunch when we heard ye usin' Rhapsody and all that." Gibari noted.

"I want food, shampoo, and a box of tissues NOW!" Lyude moaned.

"The Great Mizuti thinks Lyude is a tad crazy. Just a little bit loony. Kind of insane."

"You're one to talk, Mizuti!" Lyude sobbed. "We only found out yesterday that you're a girl!" Then he turned to Kalas. "And _you _have blue hair!"

"So does Mizuti!" Kalas countered, resulting in Mizuti taking off her mask just so she could scowl at them.

"Lyude! Kalas!" Xelha exclaimed. "When did you become so…so…callous?"

"Ever since I had to eat Ice Cubes, Beer and Pickled Eggplants simultaneously!" he explained. "If I keep up this sort of diet I'm going up obese or bulimic!"

"Since when did you care about your food? We're in a video game, remember?" Kalas pointed out.

"Shut up!" Lyude snapped.

"Well, if you're gonna keep complainin', why don'tcha go to Wal-Mart and buy yourself some food, you angsty li'l whining jerk?" Gibari suggested, silently delighting in insulting him.

"Maybe I _will_!" Lyude riposted, picking himself up from the scorched ground. Then, his indignant face dropped off him like an anvil thrown off a truck. "Where the heck is Wal-Mart anyway?"

"The Celestial Alps." Savyna replied, matter-of-fact.

Lyude stared at her in disbelief.

"Alright then." He answered at last. "I'm going."

"Whoa whoa whoa!" Gibari cried out, drawing his battle-oar and pointing it at Lyude's head, making him go cross-eyed in fear. "We may totally hate your guts and want to dump you in a snowy wasteland, and you may have been told by the ghosts of your dead family and colleagues that you don't deserve to be loved or to love another, but that doesn't mean that you're going out there alone," Gibari explained. "You two, Kalas, Xelha," he added, pointing at the unsuspecting victims of his master-plan, "Go with him to Wal-Mart. Lyude can't go off on his own because he's an incompetent little twat, even though he's several years older than you."

"I hate you!" Lyude, Kalas and Xelha chorused in anguish.

Somewhere above them, Lyude could've _sworn _he heard King Ladekhan, Queen Corellia and Duke Calbren cheering.

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	2. Hold on Tight!

Lyude Goes to Wal-Mart

**CHAPTER 2: Hold on Tight!**

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing, and great big sacks of nothing! Aren't I lucky!

"For the last…fucking…time…Lyude, GET ON THE WHITE DRAGON!"

"No!"

"Meemai's trousers!"

Kalas was about to snap. He had had it up to _here _with Lyude's constant whining. It had been bad enough talking him out of bringing his favourite teddy bear. A shame too, there had been stuffing everywhere…

But this just took the mutated biscuit. Kalas didn't have the will to go out and bake in the Komo Mai sun, standing around like a prat just because this weirdo here wanted some food. Lyude's future on Wazn looked very close indeed…

Even Xelha, who seemingly had bribed the saints or something to give her their patience, was beginning to look a bit miffed. In fact, she was so miffed she tried to pull a miffed-looking expression, but no matter how hard she tried she just couldn't. She internally cursed the kind-hearted demeanour the morons who designed this game had given her. Thanks to them lot, she could only nod and smile. (AN: Um, I love you creator guys, really! Don't kill me! hides behind tree)

"Lyude, I don't mean to rush you, but we need to get going!" Xelha said in the most aggravated, sardonic voice she could muster, but like everything she said, it came out the same; sweet and happy. She couldn't be angry, and it angered her.

"No!" the ambassador of Diadem pouted, thumping his hands on the port ground like a child denied of his toy. "The White Dragon hates me!" he whined.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaah!" Kalas yelled in frustration, hands threatening to tear out large clumps of blue hair. He lashed out wildly, hoping to get Lyude right on the face, but he screeched and jumped behind a bush, whimpering. Kalas glowered menacingly at the terrified, china white face that stared back.

"Lyude," he began darkly, "If you don't get on the White Dragon now, I'm going to throw you off the Tower of Zosma!"

"Aaaaack!" Lyude wailed. "Not those awful stone puzzles!"

"And if you're lucky you'll end up in an awkward conversation with Kee." Kalas threw in.

"AAAAAIE!" Lyude screamed. Judging from the differing volume of the screams, Kalas could tell which Lyude found worse.

But still he would not budge. He was like an annoying screw that hangs out irritatingly from a badly constructed table, a screw that needs serious hammering…

"That's it!" Kalas roared, whipping out his deck of Magnus, "LINGERING TIME!"

Nothing.

Kalas's eyes swirled around attentively, waiting for the huge time explosion thingy.

"Lingering Time!..." he said again coaxingly. "Lingering Time! Lingering Time! Lingering Time, Time, TIME!"

Nothing.

Stamping down furiously, he scowled up at the sky and shouted, "HELLO?! Ms. Guardian Spirit? Becky Creighton? BECKY CREIGHTON, get your ass down here RIGHT NOW!"

_**Eh, no.**_

"Why the gabbling Greythorne not?"

**_As much as I would like to see Lyude getting pureed and creamed in the most amusing manner possibly, sadly he is required for this fanfic and without him we wouldn't have this entertaining parody about an adventure to a popular commercial chain outlet. So no. Lyude must live, despite his irritating tendencies. Meh._**

"Fat lot of good you are!" Kalas retorted. "Well, I don't need your help! I'll completely destroy him the old fashioned way! DREAM BLADE!"

And still nothing happened. He broke a fuse.

"What the hell?!?"

"Uh…" a small voice whimpered. Kalas looked behind the bush, only to find, to his horror, Lyude deviously nibbling on the corners of his Dream Blade Magnus. Xelha's mouth hung open in disbelief.

"You're…eating a Magnus…" she mumbled in wonder.

"I'm so…hungry…" Lyude moaned, spitting out a piece of very-salivated card.

Kalas gaped at him. "For crying out loud, that's why we're going on this crazy trip, you moron! So GET ON THE WHITE DRAGON!"

"Aaaaaaaaah!" Lyude yelped, scurrying into another bush. "I don't like the dragon! He's mean to me!"

"To heck with it!" Kalas cried out. He leafed through his deck, picked a Rotten Fruit Magnus and lobbed it as hard as he could at Lyude's head. He bawled in agony as the corner bonked heavily off his forehead, leaving a flowering purple bruise on his perfect, porcelain brow. Lyude fell down with an almighty thud and an, "Aaaargh!"

A thin stream of blood the same shade as his hair trickled slowly down.

"Ow, ow, ow! Ok, I'll do anything, just don't do that again! PLEASE!"

Kalas and Xelha's eyes grew wide with astonishment. "Was that all I needed to do?" Kalas bewilderingly mused

"Apparently so…" Xelha answered sceptically. "At least now we can get the fuck out of here…" she muttered under her breath, happy at last that she could unleash her true, nasty side. She grinned madly, pondering future malevolent exploits. Kalas saw her do this, and began to get very worried indeed…

Lyude hurled himself at the White Dragon, rubbing his bruise vigorously.

"Nice dragon, nice dragon, nice dragon, nice dragon…" he snivelled over and over again. "Don't eat me, don't eat me, don't eat me, don't eat me…"

As soon as Lyude laid his hands on its back, it scowled threateningly at him.

"Aaaah!" he shrieked, seating himself as quickly as he could on the dragon's back, patting it avidly. "Don't eat me, don't eat me, nice dragon, nice dragon, don't eat me, don't eat me, nice dragon, nice dragon, don't eat me, don't eat me, nice dragon, nice dragon, don't eat me, don't eat me, nice dragon, nice dragon, don't eat me, don't eat me, nice dragon, nice dragon, don't eat me, don't eat me, nice dragon, nice dragon, don't eat me, don't-"

It took off at blood-curdling speed.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAIT!" Kalas and Xelha screamed at him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" He screeched back.

"Damn!" Kalas cursed loudly. He and Xelha unfurled their wings and soared into the Anuenue skies after him, the White Dragon fast becoming a blip on the horizon.

"Savyna, is there even a Wal-Mart on the Celestial Alps at all?"

"Of course not!"


End file.
